[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.