BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
oh u like history? name everything that happened
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit