Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*