told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Breaking news:
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Steam Forums
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure