I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
This guy’s not having it 😆
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.