I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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I wish I could veto my bills.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
For those that worship cheese..
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Actually cracking up @ this
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.