Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.