Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Love is always patient and kind.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no