Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Air conditioning – not a fan
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
my name if I was in the mob
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.