This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I need this for my side hustle.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
the answer was staring at me all along
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!