Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
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SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR