When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“what that mouth do?” complain
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
A game married people play.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*