MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe