When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Krampus.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.