[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My dad.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”