Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back