I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Sending in my taxes
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?