If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.