Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.