I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Never forget.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
my professor scared me for a second
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?