WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.