Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Basketball
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Love is always patient and kind.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back