Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”