Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff