[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security