there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.