My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice