PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I鈥檓 stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they鈥檙e dead.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me checking my bank balance online.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
all i鈥檓 saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed