Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay