[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
TODAY
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Matt Goss
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War