You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt