Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Oh yeah that’s it
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad