Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
i will not be silenced
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”