You can’t rush stupid.
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.