me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me trying to “trust the process”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.