how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here