ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*