WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.