[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Thoughts
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
How high do the levels go?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids