[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”