Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them