*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
me, too, girl. me, too.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem