In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Is your wife single?
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much