Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..