When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s