My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
new wife guy just dropped
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My love language is deader than Latin
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Sunday
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!