[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
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Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
🖤✌🏽
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
This is I, Robot all over again
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: