*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors