I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all