mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
it must be school picture day
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.